Its Sunday, slept through the night but had night sweats and back pains.  Awake at 7 am. and only taking 2 pills, I hope for a better day.  I have a mobile medicine chest but crack the glass only in case of emergency, 2 is a good number.  I wash up and log on.  The internet and putting my thoughts to paper are what consume me when I am not in or near a hospital.  When I was admitted into the hospital this Thursday, I was very weak, almost incoherent.  When I am that low on blood it lowers my oxygen level to the point that I am so light headed that I drift in and out of consciousness.  My dreams intertwine with nightmares and I want to remember so that I can try to make sense of it when I wake.  

"I am afraid... of hoping"

I went through my bag today and found some things I wrote during this time.  Deciphering my own handwriting is giving me a headache, but since there are blood spots on this paper it means that I had it near me during transfusions.  Here are some of the thoughts I jotted down....

      My Dad is my Dad and I love him with all my heart.  He raised me. I would spill my drink at the dinner table constantly until he told me to put it in front of you and not on the side of your arms.  Seems minor now, but it was an integral part of my upbringing.  All this time I thought I was a clumsy kid, turns out that I just did not know where to place my cup.

     My white blood cells are at zero.  Not one in my body.  I need those to fight infection.  I am prone to infection with the slightest bacteria.  I will be here a minimum of 48 hours so that they can analyze my blood cultures and determine that no infections already exist.  My overall counts are at the level I could pass out.  I think I did earlier but thought it was sleep.  The doctors could not believe that I drove myself here, I should have them validate my parking to show that I did.

     I lost four pounds on the toilet.  I have been constipated for over a week.  Drinking a beer last night was enough to assist my digestive system releasing my bowels.  The euphoria of sitting there while you release some of the pain that has built up inside, is beyond description.  So I will not try to describe it any more detail.

My daughter came to see me today, we were actually able to go out and meet our cousins at BW3 for wings and the game.  She is asleep now, on the bed.  I am in the recliner an arms distance away.  I want to sleep but hearing her breathe is comforting.  Watching my baby sleep is comforting.  I missed so much through the years, if only I had known how fast time would fly and my daughter grow.

Sitting here channel surfing, I stop at a Julia Roberts movie.  "Dying Young" has got my attention.  30 minutes in and a tear begins to develop at the crook of my eye.  I had never seen this movie before and the similarities are uncanny.  Down to the scene where the lead actor is watching and answering Jeopardy questions.  Campbell Scott is the actor who portrays a leukemia patient.  Those of you that know me and think I am an asshole because I am not a big fan of visitors while I am in the hospital, must see this movie.  Loneliness is magnified and intensified by this disease.  In previous writings I speak of how the emptiness I feel hurts as much as the chemo.  Not to spoil the ending for you but...when he is at his darkest and planning on giving up it was the companionship of a friend that gave him pith to continue the fight.

It is now 3 am and I have another appointment in 9 hours.  I need to try and sleep. I found comfort in exchanging emails with a friend, that has stopped.  The emails and the comfort they brought.  It would be nice to have a note in my inbox when I return from the doctor.